All or Nothing

Why do I want to do all the things (at least right now)?

I’ve given up on thinking I can avoid what many see as the triteness of making New Years Resolutions. After all, I am nothing but if not a project-oriented person. One of my favorite things about teaching is the defined start and end to a school year; the comfort in knowing there is always a fresh beginning and a certain end point. Similarly, I think to avoid celebrating a new year with reflection and resolution is to deny me a natural source of joy and hope. There’s comfort in knowing that I have a natural opportunity to start over again in perpetuity until the end of my days.

The problem, I’ve noticed, is that I want to do all of the things. Just today, I made a “Resolution Brain Dump List”. Just looking at what I wrote down was enough to make me want to lay down and take a nap. The list takes up an entire page (single spaced) in my journal and includes things like:

• Learn Spanish

• Learn how to roller skate

• Participate in the Declutter challenge

• Run a 100 mile race

• Host a running event

• Volunteer with the elderly

• Try dance tutorials

• Play the piano more

• Learn how to play the drums

• Change school/teaching

• Wear all of my jewelry

• Try out for a play

That isn’t even one half the comprehensive list. But, I think you get the idea. I want to do everything. I don’t know how this looks. Frankly, I don’t even know what I mean by some of the things I wrote down. For example, “change school/teaching”? For a long time, I’ve wanted to change what school looks like for both teachers and students. We have to. But I have no idea how or even where to start. I just know I want it to happen and that I want to be a part of it.

I’m struggling with what to do with all of this bouncing around in my head. Do I narrow this list down to just a few things? Do I put them all in a jar and pull one thing out a day and do that thing? Do I go for efficiency? Maybe I can listen to Spanish podcasts while training for my 100 mile race.

And then there’s the fact that just trying to figure that out is so very overwhelming that I just want to say forget it. Is there a point at which self-discovery and growth can actually be harmful?

I have so much on my plate with five kids and a full time teaching job. Just juggling that is a struggle and not something I’ve come even close to mastering. Do I really need to add more to that? Honestly, I do feel resentful that most of my life is composed of tasks I don’t really want to do. Perhaps I’m looking to spend more of time doing things that make me feel like me; things that make me feel like life isn’t just one big hamster wheel.

I wish I could wrap this post up with a profound revelation, some truth that I stumbled upon that could share with you. The best I can do for now is share with you what I learn.

After all, “write more” is another thing on my list. :)

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Follow up:

1. I hope you’ll share any wisdom you have with me as well. Maybe you have some insight in this area that will help me and/or others out there.

2. Another thing on my list is to learn more about adult ADD. I have recently learned that, while not diagnosed officially, my symptoms show a high likelihood of having ADD. I’m imagining that this contributes significantly to my lengthy list of resolutions as well as my response to it.